yarryanotak

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Here are the bloody rules
1. You must post these rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you, and create new questions for the people you tag to answer.
3. You have to choose 10 people to tag and post their icons on your journal.
4. Go to their pages and tell them you have tagged her/him.
5. No tag backs

....Imma break the rules 'cuz it be late in the night.

1. What is the meaning of life?
Existing in the now in this time stream.

2. d͟͏̛o̶ n̕͢͡o̸t̛͢ t҉h́͜͡i҉nk̸͏ ̵́͝a҉b̶̴o̸͠u͏t ̛͟͡t̢h̷͠e̡͟͞ ̨D̛͞O̴̧G̴͜ ҉PA͟͢͠R̡͡K̶̨
....I do not believe I do.

3. Is this the real life?
I fuckn hope so!

4. Who needs love when there's Law and Order?
I would like a little mayhem in this bland existence of mine, love seems to be the best evil for it.

5. I'll go out on a limb here by asking two questions using one sentence, the one after this one. Who is your favorite author and how did you get hooked?

I'll choose favourite female, male, and child author. My female author would be Kristin Miller, Kiki Strike is just brilliant. My male author is Patrick Carman. Tony Abbott, Secrets of Droon was the beginning of a path to fantastic possibilities in words.

6. Refrain first sentence of the last question. Who is your favorite musical artist and why is that so?
..... I DON'T EVEN- TOO MUCH TO THINK AT SIX IN THE MORNING. IDUNNO. How about Composers of music scores, I love that shit the most!

7. If you had supernatural powers, what would be the first thing you do?
Laugh uncontrollably.

8. Quick! GLOW CLOUD!
QUICK! ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE!!

9. What do you feel about the current songs on the "popular" radio stations? (for example, the radio stations that give you the impression that they play, with equal coverage, songs from a certain era until now, but play only select songs from the Billboard charts of the last two months.(nope, not biased at all))
=___=  Well...

10. How do you feel about shaving body hair? (as in hair below the scalp and above the toes.)
I feel it necessary to do when I'm going to be doing things that involve leaving my bedroom.

I'm a social person. Not typically shy, but when I'm in a certain situation I start to go in to observation mode and not say a word. I'm normally loud and I don't give a shit about how the strangers around think of me.
.
.
BUT.
When relatives not necessarily all right with blunt and brutally honest behavior come to visit, I feel REALLY confined in my own body. My mind is overfilled with things that I want to say, but I can't say them for "manners" sake.
For the past three days I couldn't swear, yell, vent out my opinions vocally, sarcasm wasn't understood, and my honest statements would hurt people.

Imagine having your voice taken away for the sake of not hurting others because it will shame people that are around you on a day-to-day basis. It is a frustratingly painstaking task to accomplish. I was yelled at a lot these past few days for not paying attention to what others were saying to me and basically tuning out anything anyone tried to say to me. My sister mostly was irritated with me, but I can explain. I slowly lose my ability to pay attention when no one is willing to listen to me.

I've actually been the quiet person my whole life, and only since this year have I been able to finally be who I really am. As a child I was told to "be quiet" and not say stupid things. But, I was a child, aren't children allowed to do things like that? During elementary I had to stay silent in fear of being sent to the principal because speaking out against the teacher was a no-no. In "junior-high" no one really was up to speed with my sarcasm so most people thought I was a really cruel person. I have very few friends because of this problem of mine, and I cherish everyone of them excepting for who I am.

I'll be honest, I did swear a few times. It just comes out, and I don't mean to offend anyone. I still had to say it in hushed tones and the weak-minded adults that came to visit would say "Watch your mouth!" when they caught me. I hate being silent and holding my tongue. And this week just brought back memories of my childhood I don't want to remember clearly.

I really can't explain more to how I felt. It was overwhelming with so many people around that expected me to be a well behaved young adult. I was suffocating in the group of people that I never really spoke with. They were old and were my step dad's relatives that came over for his birthday party yesterday, and before that it was my cousin and grandma that stayed to visit. Both terrible illiterate people that I can't speak to because anything I would say I know my cousin would either cry or my grandma would be angry. It was just frustrating and realizing you don't like your family is just strange.

It's strange to think of my friends as better people than them....It's strange that I don't have any close attachment to them if something bad happens to them. I don't understand it and I just want to know WHY? WHY? WHY?

WHY? WHY do I have to feel confined and have my voice snatched away to please people I don't necessarily care of what they think about me? WHY?

JUST....GAHH, I feel like at times like this that my existence wasn't wanted. The only time I felt normal was when my older sisters and their roommate came to the party. I felt out of place, claustrophobic even though no one was never really near me, overwhelmed by the company and....lonely. I felt lonely these past few days. I just wanted to be around my friends and smile.
I wanted to laugh. Instead I had to keep my mouth shut to not embarrass my mom, step dad, and younger sister.

So, I'm terrible at keeping up with to-do lists. Really, I write down all my plans and then I am all "yeah, I'll do that in a few hours" and then it never gets done. But, it's always on my mind to DO the things on my lists. And, I'm sort of just sick of wasting post-it notes for them. And this can totally be ignored, this journal is really only for my benefit.

Write/Begin CNF "Why I hate transportation"
Write/Begin CNF "Why I dread holidays"
Write back stories on character for the "Anatora Series"
Figure out which point-of-view fits best for the "Anatora Series"
Finish over-due library books
Put Pro-Cannibalist Speech on here
Put shitty-good-for-nothing prompts I did during writing camp on here
Keep writing/Finish other works and type up what I have been working on on paper

Look at all that red that will never turn blue! =>

I am starting to get very irritated with my father. Now, I never was on great terms with him and I know I've been trying to warm up to him, but that doesn't mean I have the need of him in my life. All I have wanted is to stop hating him for selfish reasons. That's it. I don't want him to show up at our door and hang out for the weekend. It is bothersome, he abruptly decides plans and somehow guilts us into having him stay over and visit even though we have nothing to do with HIM. Where I live, there isn't any thing you actually can DO, it's just really hanging out with your pals and making the best of time at a park nearby.

I can't just "hang" out with my father, I never really like to strike up conversation because one way or the other it will end up in an argument shortly. Or, he starts to go on a lecture of something pointless and repeats himself over and over. It can get on anyone's nerves really fast. It's not like I hate all of his visits, but when it's only a week apart, and the person who's coming over isn't someone you like to enjoy being around with it just isn't a dandy time for you!

Also, when he does have things for us to do....they are not interesting for me. In the winter we went to a Lynx game and I was poker face practically the whole time AND I HAVE WRITTEN A JOURNAL ABOUT THAT HORRIBLE ADVENTURE.

SO, what he has plans this time is a professional wrestling/boxing...I don't know, something with fighting and buff guys. Do you know how NOT appealing that is for a person who hates to see buff guys with steroid muscles? Appalling. Then he tries to say, "There might be a skinny guy in the crowd...." =_= Really? A toothpick guy that has interests similar to mine at a fighting rink? I'm afraid if you see a guy around in a group like that, he's probably gay or taken.

That's just one of his faults in being around all the time now. .__. He wants us to visit my Auntie who has two kids that I haven't met since she had her first boy. It sounds REALLY awkward to go visit there, and I just won't feel comfortable. That is it, I never feel
comfortable when I'm around my dad. I feel vulnerable and he always likes to touch my sisters and I. Not molestation wise-but pretty close to it and we don't look like his daughters. We look like his girlfriend/s when we're with him in public, so human contact with him is not on my daily planner that is imaginary.

AND ANOTHER THING, I have tried to make plans with my friends but they have JOBS NOW.
Their work schedules are now against me when I'm free. And unwelcome family members. And just those days when I just want to be alone.
Friend contact is terribly missed. ;A;

Other than my Dad interrupting my life that doesn't need him and my friends not being able to hang out, my social life is me somehow too busy to not go on here. .__. I just read manga and get distracted, because man am I REALLY behind on my reading in general.

I also have projects that I want to start.
Start CNF- which is creative non-fiction, and it is the genre in which "Shit My Dad Says" or "Marly and Me" would be in, that's the best I can help you clueless folks.
One CNF would be called "Why I Hate Transportation" and I can explain why I hate buses-school and travel kind-, cars, biking, walking, being in a helicopter (I was really little, and it was missing a door on it), and things like that. I think I'm honestly cursed into being killed by one of these.
The other CNF will be called "Why I Hate Holidays" ....Halloween is the only sole survivor.

THE JOURNAL ENTRIES HAVE CHANGED AND I DIDN'T NOTICE UNTIL AFTER I SUBMITTED THE JOURNAL. OH GAWD NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!